We were all born with two basic fears—the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Our creator gave us these fears for protection, no matter what time and space our species live in. Awareness of loud noises could protect us from a sabertooth tiger or a fast vehicle zooming by, whether in the jungle or modern life, the fear of falling from a colossal mountainside or a giant skyscraper. Both of these basic fears are installed in us to protect us.
FEAR OF BIRDS
I spent most of my life not aware of this knowledge. I have consumed most of my life with a fear of birds. Yes, you heard me right. I was scared of fucking birds. When first hearing about this, most people think I am joking with them, but if anyone could of seen me at Niagra Falls years ago understand this was no joke. I am not sure if you have been to Niagra Falls, but the amount of Seagulls that habitat this area is blood-curdling for a man scared of birds.
People often ask, “Birds?! Really? How did you get this way?” Well, it s kind of a two-part story. We grew up in an old farmhouse that was on 2 acres that had several barns, which led to having many barn swallows. If you are not familiar with this bird, don’t feel bad; these are genuinely shit birds, in my opinion.
These birds would swoop down low and be scary for a young kid. Either on the porch, in the barn, or running through the pastures, I thought for sure they were out to get me. So One day, I asked my brother, who is five years older than me. Hey John, “Are these birds dangerous?” His response was, “Oh yea!” He then went on to tell this extravagant story about how they will chase me down and poke my eyes out. This moment scarred me for life.
So I spent my childhood petrified of any birds based on my original paranoia and the help of a creative older brother. After doing inner work and therapy, I recalled a specific incident that amplified this phobia. It was late summer, maybe early fall, and my best friend growing up, lived at the bottom of the hill.
We spent most days running around the two acres, cutting down trees, making forts, throwing rocks at the shit we were not supposed to, kids’ stuff. We were both young for our class, summer birthdays, and we turned eight this summer. As you can imagine, we thought we were big boys. We returned to the main pasture, where we had a couple of barns on one side and a half acre fenced in that was used for our horse to graze.
This particular day we saw a girl out by one of the barns; her name was Raven. She was several years older than us, like junior high age. Raven and her sister Mercy were new to the small town. I know these kinds of names you can not make up. Like everybody in the area; they all seemed nice.
Looking back on this day, I don’t know what she said to either of us as we approached her. It was like we were entranced, drawn to her by some crazy vortex of seduction. She had an agenda and knew what she wanted to do to us; I was the first person she escorted into the barn.
The barn was dark, smothered with nests of these damn barn swallows, birds flying around non-stop. Immediately after, walking into the barn as though I was Raven’s slave. Going into one of the barns was something I tried avoiding due to the high volume of birds that inhabited them. As we stood there, we were in a black-and-white silent movie, a creepy Hitchcock film. My heart was beating out of my chest; my breathing was out of control.
BIRDS ALL AROUND
The number of birds all around me and the unknown that this girl had planned had me scared beyond description. Behind her back, she pulled out some rope; she then started pushing me to the area of the barn where she wanted me to go stand.
She started screaming at me, ordering me around the barn to get into position as she tightened me up to this wooden post. As she made her demands, she started to get undressed. Her body seemed so strong that she tied me to a pillar in the barn. The rope was pressing my body up against the wooden structure.
As she pushed her newly developed breasts in my face, I could not help but feel turned on, or at least I think I was. I can still remember the feeling of my dick pressing against the wood while she paraded around me with her half-naked body.
So as you can imagine, by this time, I am freaking out; birds are flying all around me, my dick is pressing into a wooden post, and I am seeing more tits and ass than I have ever seen in real life. Sure I have seen all the body parts from magazines or late-night Cinemax, but to have it right in front of my face, wow, absolute insanity.
Mind you, I am eight years old, I was pre-puberty, and Raven was right in the heart of her puberty as I distinctly remember her pubic hair showing through her black panties. Every emotion and feeling went through my body, scared, excited, guilty, ashamed, but mostly terrified and turned on. I know that’s a weird combination of emotions, but that’s how I remember it.
Her abuse of me went on for what seemed like hours; looking back on it, maybe it was thirty minutes, but I am not sure. Long enough to keep me scared of birds and strangely attracted to dark-haired women. There was not any penetration. As she untied me and released me from my captivity, I remember sitting in the pasture feeling so strange about what had just taken place.
Before I knew it, my friend came out of the barn with a similar dejected look. Raven was walking out happy as could be, waving goodbye as though we had just got done playing house. As she walked away, we could hear her laughing loudly as she slowly disappeared down the hill.
As my friend and I looked at each other, I remember asking him what had just happened. His response was, “I don’t know.” We confirmed that we both had a similar experience of being tied up by this dark-haired abuser.
After doing extensive work with a therapist, she made it clear that it was sexual abuse. My therapist explained that if you were tied up against your will and a half-naked girl put her body parts on you, along with verbal abuse, yes, this is considered sexual abuse. Going through my entire life, thinking it was customary for my heart to beat out of my chest and lose control of my breath whenever I saw a bird sounds absurd to me now.
What made this event worse was the relationship I developed with taller dark-haired women, especially if they were overly sexual and verbally abusive to me. This combination in a woman made me extremely attracted to her yet subconsciously angry. To give you a better idea of what I am talking about.
As I got older, approaching puberty. There was a girl in my class that fit this description. I would fantasize about sneaking into her house and raping her. Pretty sick shit, right? Yeah, this is the first time I have thought about this in over thirty years and the first time I have written about it.
After extensive work, I am not scared of birds anymore. I am in awe of them and know they are magical creatures. I am not going to run out and get one as a pet, but I don’t tremble and shake in the presence of a bird. As for dark-haired women, I am still very attracted to them.
I have studied the nervous system and trauma enough to understand why I was attracted to my wife, as of course, she is a tall, dark-haired woman. Our nervous centers were chemically drawn together because of the past traumas we both went through at a younger age.
OUR BODY KNOWS BEST
I am not writing about this to talk about her traumas or extensively go on about mine. It’s to let anyone out there know once you meet someone that you are attracted to, your body is telling you something, good or bad. We always receive messages from trillions of cells in our body that are governed by consciousness. When I met my wife, my heart was beating fast, and my dick was immediately hard.
At the time, I thought this had to be love at first sight. There are several personality disorders that I believe we both have that we were chemically drawn together as well, but I am not a doctor or a certified psychologist, I am not a fan of putting labels on much of anything.
My objective in my writing is to give people an awareness of what is good or bad. We can change all circumstances in our lives to make things better. I chose ignorance over information for most of my adult life. If I can share anything to help someone overcome a situation they feel stuck in, I have achieved my goal.
000Its quite clear that experienced programed my nervous center to replay that event every time I was near a bird or a girl that for this description. I have told this story so many times, its quite comical to me