As mentioned in my last blog, there were 69 days spent away from my family. Granted, thirty of them were at the Sanctuary, where I spent my time doing reconstructive surgery on my soul—not going to spend much time on the specific events that took place during this blog. These days are what I went through before after my wife said she was leaving me to get my shit together and oh yea, don’t die.
Once I received the call, I was just about a couple of hours from home. We decided to sell our house months before that pivotal day and we would stay in a hotel once I returned from work until we found our next place to live. Looking back at it now, I knew she was gone for months. I was so closed off to everything; denial is an understatement. The whole plan was vague; how could I have been so blind?
I tell you how, coming back from fentanyl, I didn’t even know who the fuck I was, sure I had had some issues, but damn this was beyond weird. I thought I had lost my mind. Because of my job, I was not using marijuana, but weed was the only thing I found that could calm my nerves coming back from the fentanyl detox. God knows how many edibles I had eaten when she gave me the call that transformed my life.
Finally got back to our house, and it all still seemed surreal. How did it get this bad, I kept asking myself. She called me again while I was at the house. I begged and pleaded like a scared little kid; I know now it was my inner child being scared.
I spent the night at a hotel, which would soon be my regular means of living for months. Coaching football on Sundays was always part of my work week; this Sunday was going to be rough. The coaching I was a part of was the best experience coaching I had ever experienced.
It was a training academy for grade school and high school kids, which one of my old players ran. It’s the best work environment; we coached the kids hard, told them we loved them, and were all genuinely electric on the field—those Sundays were what held me together for these times but the last several years.
I always felt a sense of passion and purpose in coaching football. I was miserable at my other job; it paid well and had great benefits. We all have this mentality going through life, the hamster wheel of death. Both jobs were supportive, and I knew I was going through a rough time.
Falling From Grace
As I said earlier, weed had returned to my life as a means of survival. I quit drinking in 2017 and fell from grace a couple of times out on the road but nothing major. Alcohol became a nightly, daily ritual of sleeping.
My mind would not relax, especially after she de-friended me on social media and changed her last name. I a not sure what is cheesier, her doing that or me taking it so hard. What was the reason for being so afraid? I will tell you, the paradigm of til death do us part. Who was I afraid of letting down?
God, my parents, my other married friends. I was scared to think of life without my wife. Even to this day, it is a struggle to know that we are done. The emotional and financial burden divorce puts on its victims is certainly something I wish on no one. We all want to uphold a certain standard in life, even if it doesn’t make us happy. I have struggled with the thought that I am a failure because of my decisions that led to the divorce. Truth is, no one is a failure, everything is perfect, even the things we do not agree with. During this time I was not allowed to communicate with my boys which left me feeling so alone and scared.
Tears flowed daily, nightly, I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes, or I would start balling. Suicidal thoughts were a daily, nightly ritual; my sister was the only person I could genuinely open up to and feel a sense of calm. Any time the suicidal thoughts got strong enough to start making a plan, I would think of my boys; oh my boys, they are the sweetest humanoids I have ever known.
As I write this blog, my six-year-old is playing on his iPad. One hand on his iPad, the other on daddy’s shoulder. The anxiety got to the point that I reached out to my wife and said, “I am checking myself into a rehab place; I can’t take it anymore” She responded with, What about the Sanctuary? I couldn’t wait any longer, and I needed help now.
She said I was worth it, and we will figure it out. As painful as this process was, my wife did ensure that I got the proper help that I was in need of. Instead of waiting on her, I checked myself into a local rehab place to get started on this grueling process.
It was beneficial, mainly a twelve-step process; very familiar with it, I have tried the twelve-step many times. I was there for a week, and by the end, I was leading meetings, taking leadership as I have always done. I felt better after my time here, but I still felt like something was missing as I drove down to Arizona. My room wasn’t available for a couple of days at the Sanctuary, so it gave me time to reflect as my wife told me I would not be able to see her and the boys.
I should mention she made it very clear not to contact her family or try to find where they were. I had an idea where they were, but this was my family. I wasn’t going to do something she could hold against me more than she already had on me. Upon arriving at the Cactus Road gate, I knew I was at the right spot.
The energy, the positive vibe, the ora; I knew this was where I would find my healing. I do not want to gloss over this part of my journey and will dedicate another blog to this place of miracles. Fast-forwarding to the last two days of my stay at the Sanctuary. Daily schedule routine was part of the soul recovery, and I developed my routine to add to my transformation.
The primary two appointments that occupied my mind were zoom counseling sessions with my wife. I was beyond excited and re-born to an entirely new being who was so happy to connect to someone who I loved me through dark times. Immediately on the call, my counselor quoted Thoreau “Out beyond wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field, I will meet you there.” To my amazement, my wife left the room to return with the exact quote on a magnet she had attached to her refrigerator.
What a coincidence; this was truly inspiring; indeed, this will be the healing conversation we have been searching for for the past nine years. The positivity evaporated, and she played the victim as always, not seeing anything from my point of view. I was shocked; how could she be so blind to this miracle. But we all are going through life and doing the best we can with what we know. I have gone back and forth on what emotion to feel towards my wife. I found it is a lot easier to send her love and peace because that energy flows through me before going on to her.
The main message she communicated was that she could not trust me romantically anymore and did not want to kick a dog while he was down. Of course, anger, frustration, guilt, and all the lower frequency of emotions hit me, and soon I felt the feeling of the old self come on more potent than ever. Making matters worse, she texted me later that evening she thought it was in the best interest to have supervised visits when I got back. This text sent me over the edge. I never physically touched her or the boys. I am not a monster, I am a loving being, but she never knew this bright side of me.
I did have a temper and would raise my voice to her but supervised visits? That night I had a worse sleep than I had gotten since being at the Sanctuary. Finally, at three in the morning, I had visions of all the times she was cruel, controlling, mean, and downright nasty to me.
I concluded we were not supposed to together gave me the sense of calm to go to sleep finally. The next day I could hardly wait for our next session. Once the time came, my counselor ran late, and I reached out to my wife to give her the news. She was okay with it.
Till I could not take it anymore, I sent her a text asking if we could facetime to get things rolling. She agreed, and I let it rip without much warning. “I am Done, I am Fucking Done, Done trying to please you, I am done being scared of you.” As my counselor finally walked through the door, this rant lasted a couple of minutes.
As I finished my rant, the counselor asked how did that land with her. By then, my wife was crying and asking if I ever did love her; not sure if I ever did, I said something to the effect of letting her know I had feelings for her. My wife asked me if there was anything else I needed to say, being that we sold the house, and she had control of all the proceeds. I said I am going to need some money.
Finances have and still are an issue with us; her response was, “that’s all I’m good for, an ATM, right”?! As we said our goodbyes, my wife quit crying by this point in the conversation. Wrapping the entire month up with my counselor and the last conversation with my wife, my counselor looked at me, “She must be broken-hearted”; She paused for a while, then said, “No, it’s her ego; her ego is broken, not her heart.”
My counselor then started to ask me more questions about myself and how I was at home. After she learned that I was not abusive and not constantly drunk, she assured me that not having her as my wife was in my best interest.
I said my farewells to everyone and drove back to the area my family was living now. After eight hours of driving, it was time to sleep, and I knew I would see my boys the following day. Talking to my wife on the phone was a big breakthrough.
As the conversation continued, I realized she was on the same old script. My wife still was persistent in having supervised visits, she gave me specifics of where the place was, so I immediately went to set the first appointment. Not sure what to do next, I drove four hours back to where my two jobs were to ensure they could still employ me.
Both jobs quickly got me back on board, and everyone was amazed by my transformation. As soon as I walked into his office, one guy told me I could feel your energy. Work kept me busy, but the nights were longer still; crying of loneliness was a consistent practice.
The conversations with my wife were so triggering that I finally had to block her number. Meditation was one of the primary coping skills I learned at the Sanctuary; that was how I spent most of my time. Observations, enlightenment, and ideas swarmed my mind.
Finally, the sadness was leaving. Soon after blocking my wife’s number, I got my lawyer involved once I realized my rights and began to unshackle her invisible chains from me. Giving her an ultimatum, she quickly changed her toon, and I was finally going to see my boys for the first time in 69 days.
The reunion was just as I imagined. They both jumped in my arms as they used to do before this life-changing event. I have been searching for love and peace my whole life, thinking I could find it in a substance or a woman. Meeting my wife so late in life, I never thought I would have kids.
Now to have these two little beings that adore me more than I can ever imagine, I know what unconditional love is. Because of the inner work, I know what it is like to have self-love. I had a counselor ask me who I trusted most in my life, and my response was my wife and sister. She surprisingly asked you don’t trust yourself.
This concept blew my mind, I had never thought in that way, but it all makes sense. If I never loved myself, how could I trust myself? That is the inner work I have found so healing. It is impossible to be sad or lonely if you love the person you are alone with. Simple or crazy concept, but it is true, once we learn to love ourselves, the entire world seems to love us back.
My divorce is inevitable; as my wife has said, she does not know who I am, and I agree she doesn’t. For many years I forgot my true identity. It was as though I had a personality for the person I was around so they would accept me. Always striving to entertain, be funny, or whatever character seemed appropriate for the role. The most important aspect is that I know who I am, and my boys love me for who I am. I am so grateful for this new life to appreciate every moment with them. I am forever committed to being clear, clean, and connected to source, myself and these two creatures that love me without condition. Being your true self and getting to know your true self is the only way we can find happiness.